there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wish there were birth control emojis
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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