I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
