I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
