the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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