just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
