youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
