I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
