She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
