i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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