apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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