shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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