Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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