You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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