The maid of honor just puked.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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