i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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