im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
