If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
