nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
