We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
