I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
