She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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