Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
