please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
