the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
