I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
