My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
