My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
