if only i could text you this smell
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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