If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He had one of those small greek statue penises
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
