I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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