Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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