why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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