She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Floor bacon is actually really good
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
