Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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