I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
