Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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