You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
