My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
