You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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