Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
