apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize