Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
