Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
