so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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