Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
