I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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