Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
