I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
