I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
