we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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