so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize