So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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