Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
