Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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