I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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