the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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