I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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