Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Operation Purity has been aborted
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
