If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
