we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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