So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
